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storagebay29 · 1 year ago

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james somerton 'apology' video transcript

Note: for those who do not want to watch it. For those who do, here's a link to a reupload as the original has since been deleted. There are a lot of a pauses and 'um's/'uh's, the latter of which are largely ommitted from the below transcript. Posted under a readmore as it's pretty long.

I'm sorry for taking so long to make this video, or to say anything. I'm in the hospital- I've been in the hospital for a little over a week. I tried- Fuck. I tried to do something really stupid... (pause) I'm only here now because before I did it, I called my dad to talk to him one more time and, he figured out something was wrong, called paramedics or 911 or… and they got here and I woke up in the hospital and, yeah.

…

Anyway, I'm not trying to make this a sob story, I'm just trying to explain why I've been so quiet. I had a friend from back home checking my emails and stuff, and yeah.

…

But anyway… I wanna say that I'm really really sorry, really really sorry... for the stuff in the videos, the not crediting people, and for a lot of videos, you know I, I did the opening titles thing, and I tried to put like ‘this is based on X's- this person's research, or on this person's book,’ but I know now that wasn't enough, that wasn't okay. And then there were a lot of times... that uh... oh god. There were a lot of times that stuff just got put in and there was no attempt at crediting anybody (pause) and I'm really really sorry.

And I'm not, I'm not sorry that I got caught, I'm sorry for ever doing it, I didn't- I honestly honestly... didn't realise that I was hurting people... And now that I know that I was hurting people… I'm just really sorry.

I lost my best friend because of this. Nick and I have been best friends since 2011 or [20]12? We'd been friends online and then. He lived in Ottawa, I moved to Ottawa so we could be, like, friends in person, and then we moved back to- I moved back to Nova Scotia, and Nick came with me. We eventually moved to the Toronto area where we lived together for 7 years? 8 years? We lived together for a really long time… and… he hasn't spoken to me since this happened.

Sorry, sorry I said I wasn't gonna make this a sob sorry. I should’ve got some Kleenex.

Then again I'm really really really sorry for the things I did in the videos: copying people's work and not crediting them properly or at all. I also wanna apologise for the misinformation and just outright lies that ended up in the videos? I didn't- I honestly say that I never intended for any of that stuff to be in the videos, most cases I didn't write it but I should’ve, you know it was my face on the channel, my name on the channel, I should have been, I should have been more diligent about fact checking and stuff. ‘Cause there was a lot of really stupid shit in there. It would’ve- it's just so easy to check, I just never did, I just took it for granted…

I also, I wanna thank Hbomberguy and his team for setting up the fund to make some money available for the authors that were wronged and the journalists and writers and…

I wanna help somehow, I don't know how, a lot of- I've seen a lot of people online saying how much money I apparently make and they’re way overestimating. Beyond the fact that Nick and I split everything 50/50, they're still way overestimating how much money came in… And the Toronto area is expensive, so there's not really any kind of savings, I'm moving home really soon… ‘Cause without Nick there's nothing for me here, and like I said it's really expensive…

And so I wanna say I wanna thank them for setting up that fund, and I wanna help somehow. The only thing I can think of right now is to make the videos, most of the videos public again and every month I can send the ad revenue from all of the past videos- ‘cause there were plenty that didn't have any, any uncredited stuff in them... But I can make them public again, and then every month I can send the AdSense to- either I can send it to Hbomberguy's team, that they can add to the fund, or I can start a fund myself? And every month I can publicly say how much money was made on the AdSense and show it. And send that to the writers and stuff every month. I don't know... what the system for that would be? But I would be more than happy to do that

You know some of the videos like the ‘Killing Stalking’ video brought in like a pretty decent amount of money every month so that would be helpful I think/to them. I'll also put in either the description or the pinned comment the names of the authors so that anyone watching the video knows where all of the information came from, that it wasn’t me going out doing journalism- I never thought that anyone thought that I was doing journalism and stuff, and I don't think anyone did. For the people who actually were doing it should have been given the credit they deserve, they did the hard work, all I did was edit a video. They did the hard work and they- they deserved the credit

(cut) Sorry about that, phone stopped recording.

But- yes. They deserved- they deserved credit, and… when it was something... when it was something like the, the recent... ‘history of hollywood’ videos, right there in the opening credits, I put the Vito Russo's name, that it was adapted from his book ‘The Celluloid Closet’. Same thing went for the gay panic video and the gay holocaust video, they were- the holocaust video was adapted from two books, and the gay panic video was adapted from a lot of journalism, and I- I put their names right at the beginning of the videos.

But and- I understand that's not how citation works... now. I understand that, I get it. And I wanna do better. And I know a lot of people hate me now, ‘cause I did bad shit. But I wanna try and do better. At some point I’d like to make videos again. I'd like to do videos that are fully sourced, where I will put a link to the script where you can find all the sources so that everyone is properly given the credit that they deserve, any the kind of research that's done, credit for any b roll that's used whether it's stock footage, or movies or TV shows or video games, or anything like that, have it all in there. I would like to become a really really good example of giving proper credit to writers and journalists

And I know a lot of you watching this aren't- aren't really gonna care, you'd rather I just disappear. But I would like to try to do better.

I never ever intended to hurt anybody. I never thought that that's what I was doing. Before I went- before I went to the hospital, I read a lot of stuff from people who were really hurt, not just authors and stuff but people who watched my videos who were hurt by stuff in them. People think that I hate ace people and women and bisexual people and lesbians and that's not true. It's really- it's just- it’s not true. And I’m sorry that stuff made it into videos that just shouldn’t have been there: misinformation and lies... But I promise you I did not write that stuff.

I should have been a lot more exacting when Nick and I would be editing scripts but I promise you that those are not- I don't think those things. I specifically want to apologise to asexual people who feel that I just completed delegitimised you. Nick being ace, I- I know that it's kinda like you know, no two gay people are exactly the same, no two ace people are exactly the same, but I kind of, when it came to that I just kind of ran with Nick's judgement and his observations and stuff like that. And I’m not trying to throw Nick under the bus, which a bunch of people are saying that I was setting him up as doing, which is not true…

This whole thing, Nick and I were 50/50 partners, it wasn't I hired him to have a scapegoat or something like that. I never hired Nick. Nick and I were roommates for years before I started doing Youtube videos and then they started- people started watching them and I asked Nick if he wanted to help me write them and he said yes and we started splitting the- first the AdSense and then the Patreon and then the sponsorships, we just split everything. Nick was never supposed to be a fall guy.

I'm sorry. Maybe I should have waited longer to do this. But yeah, I- the- I did not- I don’t think those things and I don't think Nick does either, I think it was just how fast we were writing stuff, and how fast we were putting videos out, it was just too fast. And we weren’t putting the care into them that needed to be put into them.

I've seen a lot of people on social media and other youtubers even lying about me, but other- other- Hbomberguy was not one of them, I just wanna be clear about that, except I was never setting Nick up to be a fall guy and. It was never a grift or anything like that. I swear it was not. It is not.

In the next couple of days, I'm gonna send out a message to the Telos supporters on Indiegogo and explain the whole situation in more detail to them because we were not super clear about everything that was going on with Telos and so I can- I understand if it seems like we weren't doing anything but we were. We were doing a lot of work on Telos. We just weren’t talking about it is because we- we made that initial first announcement for ‘final girl’ and that fell through and I'll explain that to the message I send out to the supporters which I'm sure will end up on reddit or somewhere… And after that we didn't- we didn't want to talk about it too much until we had something really concrete, and I will explain all of that in that message

Telos was and is not a grift. I was never gonna take the money and run. None of the money that came in for telos was ever going to be paying me or Nick. It was going to be paying queer actors and artists, musicians, things like that. And I know there's been lots of talk about budgets and all this stuff, and people saying that I'm really stupid for thinking a movie could be made for that little money, but there are examples of it being done, and I actually do have a work ethic.

Anyway. but yeah. anyway

I do want to keep making videos and I know a lot of you won't watch them and that's- that's fine. But I really liked making videos…

We ended up making a lot of videos we didn't wanna make because people were asking for them, and so there were a lot of videos that we made that we didn't wanna make, and I think those videos are very clear on which ones those were. One of them never got officially released. It was released to patrons, some patrons have shared it to other people before all the videos went private. A lot of people hate the analysis that Nick and I did on it but. And so maybe it's good that that never got properly released, because… maybe it would have hurt people. And I don't want that.

But I do wanna make videos again sometime. I'd love to do like retrospectives on important gay movies. If you watch the channel ‘Be Kind Rewind’ they're an amazing channel that do a lot of retrospectives on older Hollywood movies and I would love to do that for gay movies. A lot of gay movies, people my age and younger have never heard of, things like ‘Torch Song Trilogy’ and ‘Longtime Companion’, and stuff like that, movies from the seventies and eighties and the nineties, things that were like really influential for gay cinema that no one talks about. And you know, I'd like to talk about not just those movies but how they got made and stuff like that. I would love to do something like that.

I swear on my mother's grave that there will be no copying people, no copying pasting. Every source will be cited in a document and on screen. ‘Cause I usually liked doing the research. I loved doing research - reading the books and articles and stuff like that. I- the part of me that was lazy was the copy and paste part. Instead of just putting it into my words and citing them properly and giving them credit… that's where the laziness came in. That was- I wasn't trying to be malicious. That was just laziness. And I promise for anyone who does watch the videos that I make going forward… I promise that will never happen again. I welcome the highest level of scrutiny on the new videos.

…

As for Patreon, I’m going to reactivate it. Because I saw a lot of people on social media saying that I was probably going to reactivate it right on January 1st so that everyone could get a surprise billing and I could take the money and run. And, no. First of all that was never my plan and I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna reactivate it now so that anyone who wants to leave - which I imagine will be the vast majority - can leave and not have to worry about being billed again in January.

… Yeah. So. In closing. I'm again incredibly sorry... And again I'm not sorry because I was caught, I honestly didn't know how much I was hurting people… and how much harm I was bringing to the community, because that's not ever what I intended. I wanted the channel to be a safe place. I spent so much time deleting comments that were hateful

I recently found out that I wasn't being notified about- that I wasn’t seeing comments that were in replies to other comments so there were plenty of hateful comments in the comment section that were plenty hateful that I wasn’t seeing, and I didn't know that. But I wanted the channel to be a safe place and it ended up not being a safe place.

And for the misinformation, that kind of falls into two categories. 1. I did the wrong research in the historical things and other things they're not what I wrote.

Again, thank you to Hbomberguy and his team for making the fund for the writers. I'd like to try to contribute to that somehow so- if- if it's okay to make the videos public and send all of the- public and send all- it won't be all of videos ‘cause some of them had to be taken down because sponsors wanted them taken down, but I can put the videos back up with the sources properly put in either- for the I guess for the videos that would be going up from zero, I could actually put in sources for the videos, which would be good.

I guess I could- For the other ones that would just be made live again, I could put them in a pinned comment. ‘Cause I think people read pinned comments more than they read the descriptions, cause like the descriptions disappear in a lot of places. Something like that. Something so that I can try and- it won't make up for what I did but just. Something.

So I’m really really really sorry. I hurt a lot of people that I really respect and that really sucks. And. Nick if you're watching this I know you're probably not but I miss you and…

Yeah I want to do better. I want- I want to do better. I want to prove that I can do better. I don't expect anyone to just give me the benefit of the doubt. But I want to show that I can do better, so I hope you'll let me do that.

Again, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that the things I did- I'm sorry that I disappointed you. I promise going forward I will do better.

Thanks for watching, and...

…

And I’m really sorry.

#james somerton #hbomberguy plagiarism video #plagiarism and you(tube)#james somerton apology video #of course it's badly written he had to write it himself for once

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tepkunset · 2 years ago

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Top Surgery Journey Part 1

16 was the worst age of my life. My mother was diagnosed with stage-three breast cancer. We were evicted from our house and had to move again, this time to a shitty thin-walled apartment with drug-dealers for neighbours. I was half-way through my first year of high school, where I was bulled for what might as well have been a glowing neon “I have autism” sign strapped to my back. And I realized I liked girls—that terrified me almost as much as the threat of losing my mom.

My father used to tell me and my brother that the two things we were not allowed to be were gay or clergy. He said things like “all gay people should be put on an island” – your typical homophobic rhetoric. As an autistic child, I took him literally, and thought that if I was gay, he would discard me on an island to die. Living in Nova Scotia, it’s not like there’s a lack of islands around where he could have done so, in my mind. That probably sounds ridiculous to read if you’re neurotypical, but it’s what I genuinely thought at the time.

It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I started coming out to people as liking women. By that time my parents had divorced and I started looking after my mother and brother. I became more accepting of my sexuality, especially thanks to the encouragement from online queer spaces. And when I became more accepting of my sexuality, I started to question my gender as well. There were so many things that trans/non-binary people spoke of that I could identify within myself; things I never questioned before, or just assumed everyone felt that way. It prompted me to think about all the things that made me feel outside of my gender growing up, such as the intense jealousy I felt over my mother’s double mastectomy.

I know, right? It’s true though. She survived cancer, and all I could think of was how much I wished I could be rid of my breasts, too.

I was late in puberty. It didn’t start to hit until about age 15, so I was very new to the developing breasts I hated so very much, at the same time my mother was getting rid of hers. But when they came, they came in heavy. I was genetically cursed with a large chest, and it made shopping suddenly a nightmare for me, because I preferred the men’s section. I started the habit of buying clothing twice my size to hide my body. I hated looking at myself in the mirror, because I felt disgusted with what I saw at best, or like I didn’t want a body at all at worst. I stopped going swimming; something I used to enjoy. Despite my family history, I never did breast exams because I couldn’t stand to think about them in such detail. One of the reasons I hate exercise in general is because I hate the sensation of my breasts moving so much, even when packed in sports bras. All because I know now, having been professionally diagnosed over a decade later, I have gender dysphoria.

(Insert here a reminder that not all transgender people have gender dysphoria, and that doesn’t make them any less trans. I am purely speaking about my own experiences!)

It’s only been a few years that I’ve opened up about my nonconformity to the western gender binary to the people I know in real life. Most of my close co-workers are 50+ years old cishet white women, who while mean well, are quite ignorant of gender diversity. I’ve been fortunate to only have to deal with one co-worker who did not respond well to my request to stop calling me “yes missy”, “yes girl”, “yes ma’am”, insisting it was just what they were taught from their generation and that I needed to respect that. But my manager has been very supportive, and made it very clear that it’s expected I be treated with respect, too. (She also added a rainbow flag to her email signature with the line “I respect inclusion”, which I thought was cute.)

My top surgery is two weeks away now, and I’m so excited to get it done that I think about it before bed every night. Knowing that soon I will be going to sleep on a table and then waking up with a flat chest is thrilling. Thinking about how much this is going to change my life is thrilling. I have worries about the surgery itself of course—I’ve only been under anaesthesia once when I was very little; too little to remember. I’ve never been on high pain-killers before. I worry about the drainage tubes and looking after them. But I figure these concerns are probably very normal, and I have to remind myself that people every day are going through the same surgery I’m about to go through. The surgeon who will be operating on me has almost two decades of experience. The clinic I’m going to in Montréal has a good reputation, from what I’ve been able to hear from others. There’s reason to believe things will go well.

#top surgery

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otter1962crystalball · 6 months ago

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Face It or Not: Out of the Pan into the Fire

June 25th, 2024

Happy 25th day of Pride Month! Wow! The month of June is almost already behind us. Today, I was thinking about the end of things and what happens when I don’t deal with it.

Soon after my divorce, a man whom I had had contact with found out that I was divorced. I call him Allan. He never really liked John and we had stopped talking because John pissed him off. It turned out that John had asked Allan if he could move in with him - while still married to me. I found this out when Allan contacted me and told me how sorry I was to have gone through that nightmare with John.

The situation led me to taking a vacation to Las Vegas to hang out with Allan. We really clicked and I went home feeling like the divorce had never happened. Allan then booked a flight to visit me and we started a relationship. I felt like I was on cloud nine and that all the darkness of the John relationship was gone.

Then, in September 2017, I was on a machine at the local gym and it collapses on my leg and tore my right Achilles Tendon in half. I ended up driving (on a damaged leg) to the local clinic where I was told that it was torn and that I would need a cast. So, an ambulance was called and I was driven to downtown Halifax where I had a cast put on - very late at night. During that time, I had texted Allan and then my phone died. I ended up getting a message from him via the ward’s nurse. I felt so grateful that Allan would do that. He immediately flew to Halifax and looked after me for almost a month. He was there during the wait time and then the operation itself.

I was feeling very depressed about not being able to be mobile and Allan’s presence cheered me. He accompanied me to physiotherapy (which I was told took an entire year). I was to be in a boot for at least two months and have physiotherapy twice a week for a while and then one per week afterwards. For that month, Allan drove me everywhere, helped out with the house and we made things work.

In the past few blog entries, I talked about John’s red flags. With Allan, I felt there were none and this made me very happy - until one day something happened. Allan got upset because he felt that I didn’t appreciate his help. I told him that that wasn’t true and that I’d been in pain and hadn’t told him enough that I really appreciated him. I did, but he was still angry, so I asked if he needed a break and offered to get him a hotel room until his flight. He then literally accused me of trying to get rid of him. I assured him that wasn’t the case. He stayed for the rest of the month and then flew home.

The boot came off and I was able to go to work after two months off. It was a bit of an adjustment as I had to use a knee scooter to get around for a while. By Christmas, I was wearing the boot less. I flew to Las Vegas for Christmas and we had an amazing time. We continued back and forth for over two years. We took a trip to Hawaii together during a trip to Las Vegas, which was amazing as it was my first time. We later planned a trip to Thailand via Hawaii. It turned out to be a dream vacation for me despite a bit of a situation with my house. I had it rented out as an Airbnb and the cleaner quit while I was in Las Vegas before we left. I was really upset and wondered if I should fly back to solve the problem. Allan flew off the handle telling me that I wasn’t thinking about him at all. I apologized and things went on. Again, I ignored what was going on.

Later that year during a visit to Nova Scotia, we celebrated Hallowe’en together. While I was in the bathroom, Allan went through my phone and found a picture that I had sent to a friend in Australia. He got angry with me and said that I had betrayed his trust. I realized that I had made a mistake and I allowed him to go through my phone, computer and all my hard drives. He ended up deleting every picture of John that existed. I just let him do it. He also asked me to ditch any of my friends that might want to sleep with me. I followed his advice.

The next trip to Las Vegas was that Christmas in 2018. I took a lot of my family Christmas ornaments with me because he wanted to have a family tradition Christmas. It was a fun time including a birthday cake for me. He also had a surprise for me and announced a two day trip and that I was to guess where we were going. The first idea came to me was Fort Lauderdale. Allan turned to me and told me that I was disgusting - the only reason I wanted to go there was to have sex with a friend there. I told him that wasn’t true, but he insisted that I ditch that friendship or else. I told him no problem and we flew to San Francisco for two nights. The first night we were there, in the hotel room Allan picked up his sunglasses, turned to me and yelled that I was toxic to him. He squeezed his hands so hard that he broke his sunglasses and cut his palms. I can remember his face as he gritted his teeth and tossed the glasses into the garbage. I was shocked, so I called the last two friends that I still had in my list and said goodbye. That seemed to be fine with Allan and we went on with the trip.

When we returned, it was close to New Years and we had tickets to see Celine Dion. It was an amazing concert. We took pictures of ourselves by the promotional billboard in the theatre. I flew back that New Years day. On Facebook, there was a now and then post. I placed a picture of me in 2008 and the one of me in front of the Celine Dion billboard. Allan didn’t answer his phone that evening. The next day I called him and he screamed at me that I had hurt him horribly. After I hang up, I discovered that he had changed his Facebook profile to a black picture with candles. I texted him to ask if we could talk and he texted back that he wanted nothing to do with me because I had been unfaithful for showing that picture to my friend and that I hadn’t gotten rid of all my friends.

There I was, just into 2019 and again I was single. I was mystified as to why Allan did this and actually thought of going to Las Vegas, but one of Allan’s friends told me know when I suggest it. That was the last time I heard from Allan until two months three months later when I received a package in the mail. The package had a note about how much I had hurt him and that if I wanted any of my stuff that I had left in his condo, I would have to pay back all the money for gifts, trips, etc or I wouldn’t get my stuff back. My eyes were opened and I realized what was happening. I took the package and burned it. I said goodbye to my things in his condo - including my family Christmas ornaments - which were important to me as memorabilia. I never heard from Allan again.

I never had time to process the break up because something else happened suddenly in my life - I was diagnosed with colon cancer. When we see the light and come to understand what we’ve been doing that is not genuine, it’s a breakthrough. In that time, I wasn’t being true to myself. It took the cancer and chemo along with some internal work to help me see that. If you are interested, you can check out my cancer blog at https://www.tumblr.com/otter1962.

What I learned about myself helped me see that I hadn’t dealt with the divorce from John, jumped into a relationship too soon, discovered that Allan was a worse narcissist than John and that cancer was my wake up call.

For Pride, I am celebrating the trials we sometimes have to go through before we see the light. I came to understand that I had to take care of myself, love myself and do the work before I could even think about another relationship. I am also celebrating the idea that there is a big difference between being alone and lonely, which I’ve written about in a blog entry.

Carpe diem, everyone! Live your life genuinely as yourself and be happy with that. Don’t let others dictate how your life should be lived!

#out of the frying pan and into the fire #gay #pride #narcassists #learning about ourselves #selflove

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starshine-hockey-girl · 2 years ago

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I posted 3,135 times in 2022

That's 756 more posts than 2021!

511 posts created (16%)

2,624 posts reblogged (84%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@princessphilly

@soft4hardthings

@laurenairay

@horsesandhockeyplayers

@jostystyles

I tagged 630 of my posts in 2022

#never ever have i - 81 posts

#nhl imagine - 76 posts

#nhl fic - 61 posts

#nhl fiction - 61 posts

#nhl smut - 48 posts

#hockey rpf - 45 posts

#stars lb - 44 posts

#sidney crosby fanfiction - 41 posts

#sidney crosby imagine - 41 posts

#jamie oleksiak - 39 posts

Longest Tag: 119 characters

#reboosting for those who may not have seen the original one. a mixture of hockey and marvel? what is there not to love?

My Top Posts in 2022:

Baby, You're An All Star- Never Ever Have I Chapter Ten

Author's Note: Sidney and Evie continue to make plans for their future. Evie plots a surprise for Sidney and then accompanies Sidney to the All Star game

Warnings- consensual sex, semi-public sex, alcohol use, Daddy/Breeding Kink

@fallinallincurls @penstxgal1968 @princessphilly @newlibrary @pattiemac1

January 3rd, 2019

"Evie," Sidney called as he walked into Evie's cottage from his road trip, "I'm home". He had a small package in his hand that he placed on the kitchen counter. Evie bounded down the stairs and smiled at him. She was wrapped in a towel with her hair up in a messy bun. He laughed, "Why are you not dressed?"

"I was dressed earlier, but just got home from a workout and took a shower so I wasn't all stinky for my man," she teased. She walked close to him and kissed his chest, "How was the flight? Did you get any sleep?"

"Why do you ask?” He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her waist.

She dropped her towel, "I wanted to make sure you are well rested. I have a workout in mind that I want to try with you. Ever heard of naked yoga?"

He shook his head no playfully, "Ma'am, I am a simple boy from Nova Scotia. We don't have fancy workouts like that."

"Let the big city girl show you. Now get naked, Sidney.” She backed away with a grin and motioned him to follow. https://www.healthline.com/health/sex-yoga#yoga-poses

She lowered her body to the rug and winked at him. Sidney started stripping his clothes off and followed her onto the rug. "Let's start with something simple- cat and cow pose.” Evie demonstrated the stretch as Sidney smirked. Sitting on her hands and knees, her back stretched up into cat position. She then arched her back and lifted her bottom high into air. He gave her ass a playful swat before performing the pose. She moved into bridge pose. Sidney plopped down to the floor, rolled to his side and watched as Evie laid on her back with her legs spread hip width apart and lifted her hips into the air. He moved to his knees, crawled between her legs and put his torso on her chest, pushing her hips down to the ground with his weight. She laughed, "Sidney, I can't do my workout with you on top of me." She could feel his erection pressing against her as she tried to lift her hips again.

He kissed her neck, "Workout time is over. Let's move on to sexy time." His hands reached down to grab her hands and put them above her head.

She resisted against his grasp, "Sidney, one more pose. I want to show you the best one. You will like it. I promise." He reluctantly let go of her hands and sat back on his knees. She bent her knees toward her abdomen and grasped the bottom of her feet. She held her feet as her knees widened and she stretched herself wide open. "Guess what the pose is called?”, she smiled. "Happy Baby. I think it should be Happy Baby Girl. Will you make your Baby Girl happy?"

Sidney licked his lips, "I like you opened wide for me. Are you ready for Daddy? I am going to make you feel so good." He guided his cock to her slick folds, rubbing the tip up and down. He smirked at her, "Answer the question for Daddy. Are you ready for Daddy? Are you ready to take Daddy deep?”

Evie rocked her hips, stared into his eyes, and moaned, "Yes, Daddy, I am ready for you. Can you feel how wet your Baby Girl is? I can take you deep." She gasped as he slid into her. "Yes, Daddy,so good. Fill me up with your big cock." She wrapped her legs below his ass, drawing him in deeper.

Sidney grabbed her wrists and held them above her head. His mouth went to her ear, "Good girl, keep your hands above your head." She nodded her understanding. "Daddy is going to give you more than his cock today. I am going to fill you up with my cum. I am going to make you mine forever. Put a baby into you. Put a baby into my Baby Girl." Evie's eyes widened. Her body went to another level of desire with his words. "You want that Baby Girl? You want Daddy to fill you with my hot seed?" Evie squeezed herself onto his cock. "Yes, milk it out of me. You want it. I can tell." he moaned.

"Please, Daddy, please," she begged into his ear. "Do it. Put a baby into me."

He grabbed her hips and lifted her up into the air to adjust the angle. She threw her head back and arched her back even more. "Cum for Daddy. Cum like the good girl you are," he panted as Evie's legs quaked and shivered. He grunted as he thrust deeply, "Get ready, Evie. Daddy's cumming for you." Her legs squeezed tight under his ass and she held him there as he filled her completely.

He collapsed onto her chest and she smiled as he showered her neck with kisses. He looked at her shyly, "That was okay? You liked it?"

She ran her fingers through his hair, "Ummm, surprisingly yes. It was hot."

He lifted his body off of hers slightly, "You are going to look so good when you grow our baby inside of you."

She smiled lazily, "You think?"

He nodded, "I can't wait. One day, Evie, one day."

Evie sighed contently, "Yes, one day."

He nuzzled her neck, "I missed you. Being with you all the time in Cole Harbour spoiled me."

"Beso, this has been great, but I am freezing.” Evie wiggled underneath him, “I am going to take a shower and get dressed." He rolled onto his side and watched her get up. "Do you want to take a shower too? I kind of got you messy."

He smiled and nodded yes. "Hey, I brought a package inside from the porch. It's on the counter."

She went to the kitchen and picked up the package. She did a little happy dance, "It came. Your last gift is here, Beso. I can't wait to show you." He got up and lifted her over his shoulder, "Sidney!!",she shrieked as he carried her up the stairs. He deposited her on the counter of the bathroom with a laugh before he turned on the shower.

He placed his hand on her cheek and smiled at her, "What's my present?"

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62 notes - Posted March 14, 2022

Crosby Crew Part Three

The third and final chapter

Author's Note- Big day for the crew- Callie's game day finally arrives and hijinks ensue

Sera felt Sidney wrap his warm body around hers and place his large hands on her bump. She wiggled back into him and hummed softly. "Mr. Crosby," she murmured, "What time is it?"

He nipped at her ear and replied, "Callie's not awake. She probably won't wake up for at least forty five minutes. Seraphina, I can think of a lot of things we can do in forty five minutes." He feathered her neck with kisses as he pressed into her.

"I think those things are how I ended up with this huge baby bump," she teased.

"There has never been a more beautiful bump in history," he moaned in her ear

Suddenly the door flung wide open. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," Callie shrieked as she ran into the room. "Do you know what today is?" She questioned as if he somehow forgot. Sidney groaned and adjusted himself so that evidence of his arousal was concealed. "Daddy, do you not remember? Why were you hugging Mommy from behind?"

Sera laughed out loud and rocked herself to get out of bed. Sidney groaned again and mumbled, "Traitor," at his wife's abandonment of him in bed. Sera made her way to the bathroom for yet another trip to pee. He raised up on his elbows and stared at Callie. She had clearly been up for a while because she was fully dressed. "Remind me what today is. I seem to have forgotten," he teased his baby girl.

“Did you really forget?” she said with wonder.

“Calllie, Callie, Callie- I know what today is-Saturday which means it is DONUT day!” he said loudly, “Is there anything else going on?”

She crossed her arms and stomped her feet. "It's not funny," she screamed, "it's not funny, Daddy." He got out of bed and scooped her into his arms. She tried to squirm away. “No thank you, Daddy,” she whined, “I don’t like it when you tease me.” He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and put her back on the ground.

He squatted in front of her and spoke softly, “I am sorry, Callie. It was rude of Daddy to not acknowledge that this is a big day for you. Thank you for using your words to share your feelings.” Callie stomped her foot again and pouted. She turned away from him before turning back to him. He held open his arms and she threw herself into them. “I know that this game day for you. It’s your first one and it’s a big deal,” he whispered, “Daddy will always know the big days for you. Are you still feeling nervous?”

“A little,” she whispered.

“Okay, thanks for telling me. I think that you are going to do great today,” he whispered back, “Go brush your hair and teeth. I wasn’t kidding about the donuts.”

“Yes, Sir,” she ran back to her room and scrambled to get dressed.

Sidney walked into the bathroom and wrapped his arms around Sera while she brushed her teeth. “So close yet so far,” he teased as he kissed her neck. She leaned back against him as he reached down and lifted her bump lightly, relieving the pressure on her back. A soft moan came from her mouth. “Better?” he whispered as she nodded. She shook her head yes. “You are amazing, Seraphina. I don’t tell you enough,” he whispered in her ear, “I am taking Callie to get donuts. You need a break before all hell breaks loose later.”

“Mmmm, you are not so bad yourself, Sidney.” she hummed, “When do they arrive?”

“They will be here at about ten,” he answered, “I have Callie this morning. Please get some rest, Seraphina.”

“Thank you, Sidney,” she smiled, “Maybe we can sneak away before the game?”

His eyebrows raised, “You think?”

She nodded her head, “I think it can be arranged.”

Sidney raised his fists in victory and yelled, “Callie, let’s go!”

Callie sat at the kitchen table, nibbling the frosting off of her pink donut, while she colored in her coloring book. Sidney watched with mild bemusement as she stuck her tongue out as she focused on completing the intricate gown of Belle. Callie had made an executive decision to change the color of Belle’s gown from yellow to purple because “I like purple better Daddy.” Sera reclined on the couch reading her novel and mentally counting the kicks inside of her bump. Her son was fully awake and on a kicking binge.

Sidney’s phone lit up with an incoming Facetime call from Geno. “Hey G,” he said before fully looking at the phone. Nikita Malkin’s face appeared on the screen. “Oh sorry, hey Nikita, what’s up?”

Nikita coughed into his elbow then stared into the screen. Sidney could hear Geno tell Nikita, “Ask to speak to Callie.” Then he walked up behind Nikita and waved to Sidney, “He still learn manners.”

Nikita spoke loudly, “I like to speak to Callie.”

Sidney smiled before Callie snatched the phone from his hand and walked out of the room. Sidney called, “Callie, where are you going?”

“I need privacy, Daddy,” she called back as she sat on the stairs to talk to her friend.

Callie smiled brightly, “Hi Nikita! Are you going to come to my game today?”

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72 notes - Posted August 15, 2022

Hello Sunshine- Winter Fic Exchange

This story is written for@jxmieoleksiaks- She requested following players and genres: Tyler Seguin, Jamie Oleksiak. fluff, smut (18+ only), hurt/comfort, angst - with a happy ending, alternate universe. Reader Insert or OC

Summary-The last thing you expect when arriving at the rink is running into one of the Dallas Stars' biggest names. but when the day unfolds and you're getting swept up in his kindness, much more happens than you ever would have imagined

Warnings- light body shaming, adult language, alcohol use, consensual sex

Huge thanks to @fallinallincurls for her support and feedback.

@antoineroussel

You had been skating for almost a year, the result of a bet that your friends were sure that you would lose. They had looked at your larger size and dismissed your dream of playing ice hockey. You had no real ambitions other than to add another type of workout to your routine and maybe learn more about hockey by actually playing it. You had recently become fan of the Dallas Stars so why not join the proverbial club?

You tugged at your Penguins Oleksiak jersey over your head and pulled it down. You grabbed your stick and water bottle and made your way out of the locker room to wait by the ice. The crowd slowly started to grow and you leaned on your stick, making note of the competition. The dark jerseys seemed to be made of a couple of high school kids, some clearly wannabe NHL rejects and a couple of Papa Bear older men. You were the only female. “Great,” you thought to yourself. You were accustomed to being the lone female on the ice most of the time. However, it was nice to have a dose of estrogen every once in a while.

The buzzer sounded and you skated across the ice to the bench. You placed your water bottle down and watched as the pick-up game develop. After a several minute shift by the first group, you understood how this game would go and gritted your teeth. Still, you remained determined to get whatever you could out of the experience. When you finally got onto the ice and assumed your usual defensive position, you were feeling relaxed and confident. The feeling was short-lived when a young punk stripped you of the puck and skated down the ice to score easily. “Fuck,” you thought to yourself and skated back to the bench. That set the tone for the session. You had several more shifts of condescending remarks- ”Watch yourself, Princess”, unnecessary hits along the boards and one accidental “tripping” before you let the frustration get the better of you. It was the jeer of “So long, Big Rig!” that sent you over the edge.

You ripped open the door and slammed it behind with a growl. You stormed through the hall that connected to the two rinks. “Motherfuckers,” you muttered to yourself. You made the turn to the left, muttering to yourself, “Fucking Big Rig. I’ll show you fucking Big Rig.” Your eyes stung with tears that you refused to release. With your head down you didn’t see the tall giant walking in the other direction until you ran smack into his chest and bounced off. You looked up to see the blonde curls and blue eyes staring down at you. Your eyes blinked in disbelief. It looked like Jamie Oleksiak. It felt exactly like how you would imagine running into his buff body at full speed would feel like. Yet your mind momentarily refused to accept that it WAS actually him.

“Watch out there,” he joked, “You’ll knock a guy over.”

You stared up at him, blinking slowly.

“Nice jersey,” he fingered your jersey lightly. “I don’t see many of those down here.”

“You’re….. You’re…. ,” you stammered.

“Jamie,” he took a step back. “Why are you over on this side? They usually keep it shut down for us to use when there isn’t a practice scheduled.”

Finally, you shook her head and cleared your head. “Sorry, I was over on the other ice at the drop-in. I came over here after the epic fail.” Your eyes betrayed you and released the tears that had been pent up.

“Hey, are you okay? Are you hurt?” he asked softly. “What’s wrong?”

"There is no crying in hockey, you should know that," you joked, trying to rein in your tears. You walked past him and wiped your tears. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

He stood and waited patiently for you to turn around. When you did, he gave you a lopsided smile. 'Seriously, what is wrong? I heard you cussing like a true hockey player before you nearly knocked me on my ass."

"I don't think you would understand. You play in the NHL," you whined.

He kept his gaze on you and sat on the bench, "Try me."

You paced back and forth, "Don't laugh."

"Scout's honor," he replied.

"I got frustrated. I am out here trying to get better at my game and these guys are assholes for no reason. They take these three and four minute shifts. They hog the puck, will only pass to each other and push me around. I end up skating blue line to blue line for no fucking reason," you ramble.

"Have you tried being more aggressive? Challenging them?” he asked.

You turned to him and spit out, "Of course, I have tried being more aggressive and challenging them. I am not an idiot, but despite my size-they are bigger than me and can push me off the puck."

He put his hands up in defense, "Whoa, just a question. There are ways to defend against someone bigger than you. I could show you sometime."

“And who the fuck is bigger than you?” you looked at him warily, "and why would you do that?"

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93 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

The Crosby Crew- Part Two

Author’s Note- It originally started as a little blurb that grew into a story about Sidney Crosby as a hockey dad to his adorable daughter Callie.

Part Two- Callie has her last practice before her first game

Word Count-6K

Part One- https://starshine-hockey-girl.tumblr.com/post/661790024969420801/authors-note-just-a-small-little-blurb-that-came

@fallinallincurls @pattiemac1 @princessphilly @penstxgal1968

Crosby House- Sewickley, PA

"Callie!" Sidney called from the bottom of the stairs, "You need to be downstairs, dressed for practice, in five minutes." He stood and waited for a response before calling again, "Callie girl, please answer or acknowledge me." Sera walked past Sidney into the kitchen. "Your daughter isn't listening, Seraphina," he teased.

"I guarantee that she is upstairs playing Minecraft," she replied with an eyebrow raised. Sidney stared at her, thought about responding, and thought better of it. Playing Minecraft started as a way to connect with Callie while he was on the road. He hadn't anticipated the hold it would take in Callie's life. Now it was next to impossible to get her to focus on anything else.

He called again, "Calliope Alexandria Crosby, you now have four minutes to get downstairs."

The petite brunette appeared at the top of the stairs holding her hockey bag, "I am coming, Daddy." She lumbered down the stairs towards her father. He smiled as she passed him. Together they walked into the kitchen. Sera stood at the kitchen island packing the snack bag for Callie's pre-practice and post-practice snacks. "Mama, are you coming with us?"

Sera looked down at her large baby bump and swollen feet. "Callie, I need to rest up. Daddy will send me lots of pictures." Callie pouted slightly, dropped her bag and kicked at it. Sera and Sidney shared a look and did a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to determine who would deal with the action. Sidney’s paper covered her rock and she stuck her tongue out at him. “Callie, I understand that you are disappointed that I am not going but you are not going to even notice that I am not there at all. You’ll be focused on your coach," she said as bent down to Callie's eye level. She stood up straight again and smiled, "If I remember right, I believe your father agreed to a stop for ice cream if you work hard at practice. Isn’t that right, Daddy?” He nodded in agreement with a smirk. There had been no such agreement but he wasn’t about to argue with his wife who was due to give birth to his son within the next two weeks. “In the meantime, please pick up your bag and carry it properly. Until you play in the NHL, you need to manage your own equipment. Please and thank you.”

Callie gathered her bag and walked to the door. Sidney walked over to his wife and kissed her, “Get some rest, Seraphina. Your ankles look swollen. You need to put them up.” She looked down and shook her head in disbelief. “What flavor?” he called from the door.

“What do you mean?” Sera asked sweetly.

“What flavor of ice cream do you want, Sera?” he laughed, “I am not foolish enough to come back to this house empty handed.”

“You decide. You know what I like,” she smiled, glad that he picked up on the hint.

In the car, Sidney buckled Callie into her booster seat then got in the front seat. He started the short drive to the rink. “So Callie, are you excited for your last practice before the big game?” Callie stared out the window and didn’t respond. “Callie Girl, what’s up with you?” he teased. She took a deep breath and nodded yes. Sidney was unsatisfied with her response but decided not to pursue it any further.

They drove in silence until he pulled into the rink parking lot. She stood stoically by the trunk while he retrieved her bag and stick from the trunk. She picked them up and put the bag straps over her shoulder, grabbed her father’s hand and began walking into the rink. She kept her head down and ignored the looks and whispers that accompanied going anywhere with her father. When they got through the double doors separating the rink from the lobby, Callie dropped her father’s hand and started running to the aluminum stands on the far side of the rink. “Lilyanna!” she called as she saw her friend who sat on the bench while her mother dressed her. Lilyanna stood up and ran to Callie. They embraced with joyful hugs. Callie looked back at her father, “Come on Daddy, we have to get dressed.” Callie’s face beamed as she sat next to her friend. Sidney knelt down with a nod to the mom beside him and unzipped the bag.

The mom looked over and smiled, “Don’t let Callie fool you. Sera makes her do her gear herself with the exception of the sock tape.” Sidney’s head popped up in surprise.

Callie’s eyes got wide. “Trying to fool Daddy, eh?” Sidney laughed. “Go ahead and show me how you do it,” he stated as he stood up to watch. She looked down at the bag and sighed. She was tempted to tell Lilyanna’s mom to mind her own business, but knew that would be met with a strong reaction from her father. She started with her shin pads and began dressing. Once she got her hockey socks on, she taped the bottom and looked at Sidney. He bent down and tore the tape. He handed it back to Callie, “Good job so far. Keep going.” She smiled and quickly worked to finish getting dressed. “So Mom makes you do this yourself?” he asked.

Callie nodded as she struggled with her jersey. She said as she tangled her limbs up in it, “Sometimes she has to help with this part.” Sidney straightened out the jersey and looked around at the other parents dressing their kids. He made a mental note to have a conversation with Sera later. Callie stood and put her helmet on. The gate opened and the coach whistled for the team to get on the ice. Callie looked at the ice and back at her father, “You have to do the thing, Daddy.”

“What thing?” he asked.

“You’re not doing it right, Daddy,” she whined.

“What am I not doing?” he asked, confused.

“You have to say ‘Okay Callie Crosby- what do we do on the ice?’ Then I say ‘Listen the first time, do my best and have fun’ and then you say ‘Love you Callie Girl’” she instructed, “You have to do it before I go on the ice. Hurry Daddy, I’ll be late!”

“Callie Crosby- what do we do on the ice?” he said with a smile.

“Listen the first time, do my best, and have fun,” she responded.

“Love you Callie Girl,” he yelled as she sprinted to the door.

There was a gaggle of kids trying to squeeze through the door. Callie and Xander tried to squeeze in at the same time. He knocked Callie over in the process and skated off to put his water bottle on the bench ledge. She skated over and gave him a death glare before she placed her water bottle on the ledge. Sidney crossed his arms and watched as they warmed up. When the coach blew the whistle, Callie took a knee in front of him and focused on his words. Xader and the rest of the boys traded funny faces and laughs while the Coach spoke. When he finished his explanation, the tiny players lined up to start. Xander stood behind Callie, "Hey Callie.”

She turned to him with an exasperated sigh, “What Xander?”

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94 notes - Posted July 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See You Again- Tyler Seguin Stand Alone

Summary- When Addy meets Tyler through mutual friends, it's attraction at first sight. Tyler, however, cannot shake the sense of deja vu.

Word Count- 10.5K (sorry)

Warnings- alcohol use, public sex, SMUT, discussion of slut shaming

@fallinallincurls @newlibrary @penstxgal1968 @princessphilly @laurenairay @mattyseggy1991 @horsesandhockeyplayers

August 2022

Addy checked her reflection in the mirror and adjusted her top as she listened to her friend, Gina, go over the details for the evening. She was half-listening, as usual, when Gina mentioned that Tom may have a friend drop by the bar. "Wait, what?" she whined, "Gina, this isn't a set-up, right?"

"No, Addy, I swear-I don't even know the guy's name," Gina responded. "Show me what you're going to wear."

Addy sent the snap.

"No, absolutely not," Gina chided, "Let go of the athleisure wear. Wear a skirt at least."

Addy rolled her eyes, "I will compromise on a nice pair of shorts and crop top. It’s hotter than hell."

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128 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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themovieblogonline · 15 hours ago

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In FROM Season 3, AJ Simmons doesn’t just play Randall—he owns the role. The sharp-tongued, lone wolf of the mysterious town has quickly become a fan favorite for his chaotic energy and unpredictable nature. Recently, I had the chance to sit down with AJ Simmons, and let me tell you, the man behind Randall is just as fascinating as the character he portrays. From Dancing to Acting: AJ’s Journey AJ’s road to acting wasn’t exactly conventional. Growing up in the UK, he started with dancing as a way to stay out of trouble. But when his mother nudged him into a local production of Bugsy Malone, everything changed. AJ found himself hooked on performing—not just moving but speaking. “I didn’t want to do it,” he laughed. “But once I got on stage, something clicked. I realized how much I loved using both my body and my voice to tell a story.” That love for storytelling eventually brought him to the chaotic world of FROM. Randall: Hero, Villain, or Just Misunderstood? Randall isn’t your typical hero, and that’s precisely why fans are obsessed. AJ explained how he approaches playing a character with such a tough exterior: “Randall’s not evil, but he’s not your ‘trust-fall’ kind of guy either,” AJ said. “He’s pragmatic, self-reliant, and deeply skeptical. Honestly, if I were thrown into that town, I’d probably react the same way—thinking everyone’s nuts and refusing to trust anyone.” Randall’s journey through Season 3 has been intense, from battling inner demons to clashing with other characters. AJ shared how the bleak Nova Scotia filming location helped him embody Randall’s paranoia. “It’s rugged, remote, and just... harsh,” AJ said. “Perfect for getting into the mindset of someone who feels completely isolated.” Fan Theories and the Mystery of FROM Fans of FROM love to speculate, and Randall is often at the center of wild theories. One popular idea? That Randall is somehow tied to the mysterious “man in yellow.” AJ laughed when I brought it up. “I’ve heard everything. Randall’s the man in yellow. Randall’s Martin. It’s wild, but honestly? I don’t know any more than you do!” Despite the secrecy surrounding the show, AJ admitted that not knowing the full story helps him stay authentic in his performance. What’s Next for AJ Simmons? When AJ isn’t busy portraying Randall, he’s working on a personal project—a short film he wrote and directed. The semi-autobiographical story about two tap-dancing brothers showcases his passion for creating his own narratives. “It’s been a labor of love,” AJ said. “I’m excited to see where it goes during the festival circuit.” As for FROM, fans can rest assured that AJ Simmons is ready for whatever chaos Season 4 brings. Why You Should Watch This Interview AJ Simmons doesn’t just play Randall—he gets to the heart of what makes him tick. Whether you’re a die-hard FROM fan or new to the series, AJ’s insights will deepen your appreciation for the show. So, what are you waiting for? Dive into the full interview and uncover the mystery of Randall, the man in yellow, and AJ Simmons himself. Read the full article

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the-firebird69 · 17 days ago

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We saw him doing it this morning and we know he's up to we're going after John remillard and his people and we see him just sitting there threatening stand over and over and over and they're trying for his people and they've been doing it all morning and this guy is up again doing this stupid s*** he did over there on Palm drive and we're sick of it and he's screwing around with FEMA when really the status hasn't changed that much he said it might be going back and they have to renovate it and it's really not much of a change it might be duration but a friend and we think he's right it's not worth the money like Alicia does the girl helped out on the phone and he agrees and this guy is a nutcase and we see what they're dealing with they need help because he knows that they did it so he's going to try and explode and cause a problem and he's trying to grab Stan to bring him up to Nova Scotia so we're going to have to start doing stuff right now

Mac daddy

We hear this and we're moving and it's much more serious than it looks I've been telling people but now I'm sending orders and he says this guy is sending orders every time and you just need to verify how many in the severity and I'm going to do that from now on and I get healthy this is terrible I'm hiding from nobody because people can see it all and they're just sitting there and it's true too and people don't even want to watch but they do and it's bad

Son of stan

I'm actually into this right now listening to him rant and rant and he's drunk and he's on pot and Stan called me earlier and said this guy won't leave me alone and he's blabbing and calling me and coming by and yelling at me to come out and talk and I am sick of it and he said it but there he is screwing around with him again and he's acting in a menacing way and he's swearing but really you can kick someone out for that and for some reason we don't think he has a lease no he has one it doesn't say anything that you can force your way back in when there was a storm or make us repaired in a certain time frame you don't have to pay rent if it's not habitable that's one point is true and we can refund the rent and he doesn't want to do that and he'll say you'll just kick me out and what we say is so you agree to pay the rent and it's not habitable so we're going to have to go to court with him and I'm going to make notes we ask someone this day to return the rent because it's not habitable and he refused he will not remove the camper from the apartment and so the rent is for the camper to be there and we did say that and I'll tell you what he's missing it but that's his problem and we are completely square and doing anything about boards with our friend here of course but everybody questions it and he's told FEMA what it was like already and these guys are pestering him but it was really the girl forced to do it but it's bringing this up and now we have to get this guy out of here he's a he's a nuisance and he's trying to kidnap Stan and he's trying to kidnap me and we really have to involve people and get them going now and he's telling Mac if he grabbed Stan or does something to him it reflects on me and he's talking about himself so I get that

Sherry

Olympus this is true if he does something to Stan the idiot psychologically wrong and he starts screwing with our son more and we don't we just don't want to see it and we'll go through if we have to and nail this piece of s*** like we did when they hit him and now he has a lot less stuff and he has no access to any of all the things he stole plus his own stuff and he can't figure it out but he's trying to Nuke areas to threaten to get it it was just stupid what we should do is start threatening to blow up the stashes and caches and not tell bja and he'll say then he's motivated and say yeah but you won't have it and we can say we rigged all of them and we're going to go ahead and start doing stuff like that I'm sick of hearing this piece of s***

Olympus

These are good ideas and we're going to go ahead with them

Thor Freya

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abigailvonah05 · 8 months ago

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Artist Research #2: Robert Frank

Introduction/Background:

Robert Frank was an American filmmaker and photographer born in Switzerland in 1924 and died in 2019. He began to take interest in photography early on in life and became an apprentice under several photographers as a teenager. Later on, he was able to find work as a commercial photographer in 1947. This led him to leave Zurich where he lived all his life, and move to America. Living in a country that wasn’t his own, “Frank assumed the unique position of an outsider and voyeur who unobtrusively captured the tensions of the geographic, economic, racial, and religious diversity of the US” (Moma, intro). By 1973, his photographs expressed a more personal and filmic sensibility. He specifically captured people in the difficulties of daily life. Frank once explained, “There is one thing the photograph must contain, the humanity of the moment” (artnet, artworks).

Notable works:

The Americans was a photobook that Robert Frank released in France, 1959. This work caused a revolution among photographers and documentarians. It is one of the most influential photo books published of all time. The Americans had influence for many reasons. One reason for this is that it challenged the documentary tradition which previously had been viewed as something transparent and having no thoughts, emotions, or a viewpoint. However, Frank broke these rules by documenting more of the darker side of America which hadn’t been shown before. This work was also influential because it challenged the aesthetic of photography. During the 1950’s, photography maintained the aesthetic of “clean, well-exposed, and sharp photos” (Eric Kim, Intro). Frank’s photographs, on the other hand, looked the complete opposite from the standards of how the aesthetic should look like. Critics saw his prints as “flawed by meaningless blur grain, muddy exposure, drunken horizons, and general sloppiness” (Eric Kim, Intro). His photos caused many to think that he had contempt for “quality work” and no discipline in technique. However, Frank learned that in order for his photographs to be effective and create an emotional response, he needed to experiment with different techniques, meaning that some “rules” were going to get broken.

Awards/Nominations:

Robert Frank has won a total of four awards. These include the following:

1955: Guggenheim Fellowship from the John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation.

1996: Hasselblad Foundation International Award in Photography from the Hasselblad Foundation.

2002: Edward MacDowell Medal, MacDowell Colony, Peterborough, NH.

2015: Doctor of Fine Arts, honoris causa, Nova Scotia College of Art and Design University, Halifax, Canada.

Personal thoughts:

From researching Robert Frank and his work, I have come to admire him as an artist a lot. He’s not afraid to break the rules even when it causes him a lot of criticism. Through him breaking rules and experimenting, he is now widely recognized and admired by many. This inspires me to do the same with my own work as an artist. In my work as a future interior designer, I can create a new unique design or just experiment with different techniques to create a unique furniture style. Either way, I see following Robert Frank's ways will make an impact in the world of art.

Works cited:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Frank#Awards

https://www.moma.org/artists/1973

https://www.artnet.com/artists/robert-frank-2/

https://erickimphotography.com/blog/2013/01/07/timeless-lessons-street-photographers-can-learn-from-robert-franks-the-americans/

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phawareglobal · 10 months ago

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Dawn Clarke - phaware® interview 455

Pulmonary hypertension patient, Dawn Clarke, a resident of the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation in Southern Ontario. Despite her rare disease diagnosis, Dawn decided to focus on her mental health and explore her creative passions. She emphasizes the importance of looking after all aspects of one's well-being, including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. She encourages others to find their purpose and make positive changes in their lives, even in the face of challenges.

My name is Dawn Clarke. I am currently residing on the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation, Hagersville, Southern Ontario. This is my mother's homestead, where she's come from. She's indigenous. My father is from Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. He is non-indigenous or what we used to call him, Caucasian. I grew up in the military life, my father was in the military. My mom was quite young when she had me and got with my dad and started moving around to different places. Life at the beginning was a little complicated for me. Both parents were strict and that's how my upbringing was with all the things that go along with that. So I became a really quiet person. I should start off too by saying that I did a have congenital heart defects and heart surgery at four months of age. Incidentally, my parents were not at the surgery, so they were about two hours away when I did my surgery. They were back home.

They didn't have a vehicle, so I had no parent there at hospital during my open heart surgery. I did find out about that years later. I believe that there's a lot of childhood traumas that help lead up to the health of where people are now into adulthood. That was something that I had to deal with. So I did get surgery at infancy. I had intended on joining the military. I had actually passed all my testing. I did really well. The only thing I was waiting for was a phone call to say, "Okay, it's basic training time, let's go." For some reason, that call never came.

I ended up going to school from nursing. When my children were one and a half and three and a half, I ended up going into nursing school. It was quite difficult to say the least as a single mom, single parent, and going through nursing school. Somehow we made it through though. With the help of family and relatives, we did get through that. But after a number of years, I had been really kind of wondering about doing mental health work. I did dabble in some training here and there with the mental health field, but it was kind of something that my brain was always wanting to lean towards.

A few years ago, I started developing shortness of breath. I was down in weight compared to where I had been for a lot of my adult life, probably about 180 pounds, which is still overweight for a short person. I started getting symptoms when I was working as a nurse. Weight started coming on again. I thought, "Oh, must not be as active as I was before." I was getting a high blood pressure readings, and that had never been an issue before. So even with my cardiac history, I had still been fairly healthy.

I had been trained to do palliative care nursing, so I was seeing a lot of palliative care patients. I got to the point where my troubles with my breathing became more of an issue, especially to the clients than they were… me coming in, trying to get up the stairs to see them, sitting down and taking a couple of minutes to catch my breath, at a point where I was starting to bring my oxygen in with me to do the stairs or to get from point A to point B to their rooms or anywhere to see them.

By this point, I had gotten quite bad. I finally decided I just can't do this anymore. I'm going into houses that are difficult to maneuver around, also into smoky houses that I always despise smoke, cigarette smoke, and having to take care of myself in front of patients before I could care for them. It was just getting to be way too much. The physical maneuvering of patients became very difficult and I just couldn't keep up anymore.

On top of these things. I also have scoliosis, and it's something that I was diagnosed with when I was 12. So between my back and the pain, between the weight gain and the shortness of breath, it just became very difficult to move people, to turn people to do any things that they needed to get down on the floor to do leg and feet dressings, if they happen to be sitting on a couch, for example.

Yeah, it just became too much. I tried to push further, but I just couldn't. Mentally, I was starting to deteriorate as well. I knew there was something wrong by this point, and I hadn't quite got the diagnosis yet of PH, but it did soon come after pushing and trying to get in to see a doctor.

I think I was diagnosed in June of 2019. I went off work July of 2019. Probably for the next year I was wearing oxygen pretty much 24/7. Sitting in a chair, so where I am now, just maneuvering myself around became quite difficult and caused me a lot of shortness of breath. It was to the point where, "All right, I don't think I can do this anymore." So I had to give that up, give that role up. I did not give up my nursing license, I still have it, but I am now on... What's the term? Non-practicing. So I'm a non-practicing registered nurse.

I decided to hold onto that because it was a big part of me. It's a big part of my life. It was a great accomplishment for me to get through schooling and having two little ones at home as a single mom. It was something that was really hard to register in my brain that you can't do what you've been doing, but I'm hanging on to this because I knew still at that point, even though everything kind of took a dive down, including my mood and everything else, my look on life, my outlook and the uncertainty, it took a huge chunk out of my wellbeing.

I decided at some point, probably within that first year, "Well, okay, what can I do? I know that I have been thinking about changing careers. I've been thinking about giving up at least the physical part of nursing." There was something still calling me to the mental health world. Well, I started acrylic painting and I sang. I had sang for many years and I liked writing, and that's most of my life, as well. Not that I did a lot of it, but I did like it. And one of my goals since I was a teenager was to write a book, which I still haven't done, but I've started a couple of things.

I've written a few little things, poems. I have a long poem. Those kinds of things all mean a lot to me as who I am as a person. I decided at some point along the way, I'm going to somehow combine the creative things with the mental health and the background of nursing and help other people on their journeys and their wellbeing, as well.

That became my focus. Not to say that every day is easy or that I can focus on these things every single day. There are still difficulties. I managed to change my viewpoint and my outlook on life and my perception of life, and I managed to change those things to a positive light and decided you can still live. You don't have to lay back and wait to die because what is the purpose of everything that I've done and everything I've wanted to be?

I always, always felt like I had a deeper purpose in life. Some people are good getting their purpose fulfilled through looking after their family or through working in a community, and that's enough. But there's something more that I'm meant to give. I'm still not 100% sure what it is, but I think I'm finally going down the path now. I decided to paint. There was a year, I think between 2019 and 2020 that I really didn't do much of anything, but I think that was my angry year. That was my diagnosis year. It was my spot that made me take a look at my life and decided to change my path. I could lay back and die. Life's over for me, boohoo. I know that's a lot of us. That's where we are. That's where we have been or we're getting to that point. But there is a point where you can take control of what you can.

I had to look at my blessings. So I had to look at, I have my sons. At that time they were both home with me. I have one still home now. I have my mom, my dad, my sister. Even though I still had a lot of traumas to deal with, which I was currently working through and still am, those people were still close to me and important to me. I was now around my mom's family, side of the family. They were a huge support.

I felt like I couldn't quite leave this area and move away, because I thought about moving down east many times, but I had to use what I could. Also because of being from First Nation's community, I thought there's so much I can do. So I'm going to combine all the things I know and put them into a wellness journey for other people. I'm still not 100% sure what that's going to look like, but I have done many paint parties, you might call them. A lot of them are workshops. I get hired by organizations mostly for say, a personal paint party. Probably 95% of what I have done has been organizational workshops. I'll get people thinking about positive things, so what do they want for themselves that day or that week or month, or what would they like to wish for somebody else?

It could be someone they don't necessarily like so much. What do you wish for that person or yourself? Think of one word or a symbol. It could be a heart. It could be anything and you put that down on the backside of your canvas. You write happiness or love, unconditional love. Anything that you can think of or a heart or a star or anything and that's going to be your focus during that painting. The painting session, you go forward with that thought in your mind. We really try to keep negative thinking out of it because it's very, very easy for all of us to think negatively and go, "Oh, I'm terrible at this," and oh my goodness, there's always negative that we can throw to ourselves. We really try to take that out of the equation and just keep everything to a positive as much as we can.

I would say that normally it does work and it helps most people to stay in a more positive mindset. Thinking positively, looking after my mental health that's been a huge, huge component of my wellbeing. Continuing to be in therapy because therapy can be for everyone, not just seriously ill people. It keeps us on track. That has helped me by looking after the mental health piece, my emotional piece, my spiritual piece, and my physical. We know that physical and mental health and emotional, spiritual all go together. We can't look after one and not the rest. We can't expect to do well in one and expect everything else to catch up. We've got to purposely look after all of those domains. I find by doing that and keeping myself in check with my mental health as well, even my spiritual health. By spiritual health, I mean even things like connecting to nature. Learning how to connect with nature. Learning how to breathe. Learning how to be calm and maybe put yourself in a better place.

That becomes really easy to do once you've done it a bunch of times. You may need to focus and push yourself to do it at first, but eventually it's just an amazing place to be. So with meditating, learning how to focus, we can do so much for ourselves. People need to start looking at that, giving themselves that gift because it's there. It is in all of us to do. So by looking at all those domains and looking after each one, we do better for our physical health, as well. My physical being has improved. My breathing has improved. My energy level has improved. My focus is starting to improve a little more, because that's been very difficult to do.

But all in all, if you look after all of those things in your life, you become a better version of yourself. You start to see the world in a positive light again, and not think so much about how much life I have left. I still do think of that sometimes or, "When am I going to die," or, "What's the purpose? If I'm going to be gone in a year or 10 years or five years?" The purpose is because you need to be here now. You need to be here. You're on this earth. You have purpose. You can take from everything that happens to you in your life and pull it in and switch it around, bam, put it out as something that you can do for yourself and for other people. That was my choice. It's not to say that I don't ever struggle with my mood or with triggers or anything that comes up in my life, but I need to know how to come out of that.

With everything I've learned through somatic therapy, through there's a thing called FIT. It's focused intention technique. I learned how to do that, as well. There is training for that. It's something you can use on yourself, and it's something you can use to help other people. Give yourself the gift, I'll use that word again, the gift of life. You get to go forward in the way you want to, in the way that you can. Just do it in whatever way you're able to. If you look after all the pieces of yourself, it gets easier. I guess that would be the biggest thing is transforming my life to meet the needs of not just myself, but others as well. But there came a time where I had to look after just myself, and that was fine. I decided that's okay. This is what I need to do.

My last job was helping to kill me. It was helping to dive me down lower in depth, because I wasn't able to focus on myself and my needs. That really woke me up. It made me go, "Yep, I guess I have to listen to myself now and listen to my body. It's telling me things and do something about it. Don't just keep pushing it back. Do something about it." I ended up having to move from where I was. My rent was going up a little higher every year. I could no longer afford to live there, because I wasn't working, at least not getting a nursing income. So my sons and I had to move. Thank goodness for our First Nation. They had been building a new set of townhouses and one had just been completed. We were lucky enough to get to move into that right at the time I was running out of money from whatever resources I could get it from.

We moved in here. The rent is significantly lower. I know not everybody has that opportunity, but it enabled me to start looking at what I wanted in life instead of worrying about the financial piece. So even if it's a matter of you have to move in with someone or a relative or something where you might not have as much, you might have to give up some things, which I did, but at least it got me thinking about my life again and having a purpose. So that's where I am now.

My name is Dawn Clarke, and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: [email protected] @phacanada

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

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casspurrjoybell-32 · 11 months ago

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*Warning Adult Content*

MANY QUESTIONS - Chapter 6

Naylan

"I'm not sure what you mean?" I said in response after a while of just gawking at him in confusion.

"Did I do something wrong by offering to help?"

Mavis seemed taken aback by my words.

His features softened but his jaw was still held tight.

"I'm not going to warm up to you just because you're doing this," he said, making me blink.

"What?"

My face boiled as I caught on to what I'm saying.

"No, I'm not trying to get you to like me. If you need help, I'll offer it, that's all."

Mavis didn't seem convinced.

"It's a bit weird for you to offer us food and don't tell me you're trading with us. I know you don't need out dumb vegetables. You guys have gardens yourself," he said and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Helping people makes allies out of them, don't you think?" I asked and he smiled a little.

It made my heart leap to see his great teeth and small dimples.

He laughed. I had made him laugh. It felt great.

"Why are you looking at me like that? Is there some erotic picture drawn on my cheek or something?" I blinked at Mavis' words, feeling my face burn up again.

I didn't mind vulgar people but the embarrassment level was kicked up a notch when it was someone you would like to kiss and do other intimate things with.

"Sorry," I said, staring down at the floor.

"I can't help it."

He should know that. It was a mate thing.

"I know," he sighed, as a cool wind blew over us under the canopy.

We sat in silence for a while, until it grew too uncomfortable for me, so I started rapping my fingernails on the surface of the plastic chair I was sitting on.

Mavis looked over at me, raising one of his brows.

"You're such a kid," he laughed, making me pause before placing my hand in my lap.

"I'm over twenty," I said, starting to get annoyed at the frequency with which he kept saying that.

He stopped laughing, staring at me with wide eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

He seemed sincere. Did I sound that upset?

I sighed, shaking my head.

"It's alright. I was just irritated," I mumbled, fidgeting with my fingers.

"So, any plans on leaving soon?" I asked, looking up at him.

He stared at me for a while, sucking in his lower lip as he looked towards the direction that he'd come from.

"I don't know..." he trailed, making my heart leap.

'Does he want to spend time with me? Is his wolf pacing around like mine was? '

Those were rapid-fire questions that ran through my mind but I didn't say anything, waiting for him to make the first move if there was a move to be made at all.

He had told me not to get attached indirectly and I was going to respect that.

It didn't matter if I could hear both of our hearts palpitating against our chests.

A small frown formed on his face and his gaze shifted to the floor as he let out a sigh.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure..." I said, a bit worried about what he had on his mind.

His look became intense as his brown eyes observed me with keen interest.

"You're not from around here, are you?"

I laughed a little.

"Considering how we've only been here for a few months, that's a given. I thought I already told you that I lived in Nova Scotia?"

"No," the man groaned.

"That's not what I mean. You're not from here. Like, this province," he said.

"I know that. I didn't finish my thought. I wanted to ask you something related to that."

His hair got tussled by the wind a bit and I stared at him, noticing that the orange late afternoon sun made his yellow-brown skin glow.

"How come you're not from around here but you have so many local allies?"

My lips parted.

"Oh," I said, reaching to rub the back of my neck.

"I just do...?"

My conclusion seemed to annoy Mavis.

He rolled his eyes at me before crossing his hands over his chest.

"Be serious," he said, making me shrug my shoulders.

"I am serious," I insisted, cocking my head to the side.

"I see an opportunity to make a friend and so take it. I offer help and I ask for it," I said.

"There's nothing too complicated about that."

Mavis didn't seem convinced... the way his lips drew into a thin line and his eyebrows furrowed told me just as much.

"Maybe it's a work thing," he said in a soft voice, just high enough for me to hear.

"Pack mentality?"

"Whatever you want to think," I said, slouching on the plastic chair I was in.

My eyes looked past Mavis' shoulder to spot the teenage werewolves chasing a ball around.

I smiled a little, before looking at Mavis again.

"One more question," he said when our eyes locked.

"Do you miss your family?"

"My brother lives here in Toronto, so no," I said, sitting up straight on the chair.

"I call my mum a lot but I've been with her for most of my life, so I can handle not seeing her all the time," I muttered.

Mavis remained quiet, not saying anything after that.

"Why are you asking?" I questioned him, noting that he'd suddenly had a lot to say to me after pushing me away.

Mavis shrugged.

"Just because."

He sighed, staring down at his legs.

"I was wondering if you had any pressure put on you to find a mate, that's all. Especially since you're an Alpha... a real one too."

'So that's why. He feels guilty.'

I let out a sigh, reaching up to run my fingers through my coarse curls.

"No, there's no pressure," I said.

"My mother never found her mate and my father turned out to not be the best person, so there's that. We had to leave Newfoundland because of that. Though, when she met my brother's father she was truly in love and that person wasn't her mate so it's not like she believes the mate bond thing too deeply," I explained.

"Your mum never found her mate?"

I was a bit taken aback by the fact that was the only thing he'd picked out from what I had said.

Most people would ask me about my Dad and I had always been prepared to brush them off with some short sentences that didn't explain much.

He wanted me to talk about my Mum. That was new.

"Yeah."

My eyes shifted back to the playing wolves.

"She's a Jamaican immigrant, so her mate is probably across the vast oceans," I said, making jazz hands.

Mavis seems perplexed.

"There are wolves... in Jamaica?"

"Dire wolves," I said, smiling a bit.

"We're supposed to be extinct but you know it's kind of hard to spot us when we're hiding in plain sight in human form," I said, chuckling a bit.

Mavis nodded his head like he'd received truly interesting information.

"The non-shifter dire wolves are all gone, though."

He hummed.

"I see."

My eyes softened as I looked at him... at his curly hair and full lips that he'd demonstrated a habit of sucking on and nibbling.

"Anyway, I'm telling you l that so that you don't have to worry about anything. No one's pestering me to bring my mate home or whatever, don't feel bad for not wanting to have much to do with me."

My throat felt dry at those words. They were true.

Yes, no one was expecting me to bring a mate over but I personally wanted one.

I've dreamed about having one but if they didn't want anything too concrete, what was I supposed to do?

His eyes settled on me as he kicked a stone with his scruffy boot.

"I'm not rejecting you."

"I know that. You just don't want to be my mate. I got that," I said.

My tone must have been too cold because he visibly winced as his eyes averted from mine.

"It sounds terrible when you say it like that," he muttered.

I shrugged.

"Well, that was the deal, wasn't it?"

"It was."

We both remained quiet after that, not saying anything to each other as the sound of playing wolves filled the air. I listened to Mavis's breathing pattern, allowing myself to focus on the emotions radiating off him.

Despite my efforts, he was having guilt-ridden thoughts that were mixed with a few other things that I couldn't quite put together.

"Well," he blurted, locking eyes with me.

"I better start heading back before it gets dark," he said, hoisting himself out of the plastic chair.

"Sure," I said, watching him linger as he waited for something.

"Aren't you coming?" he asked after a while.

I blinked, confused by that.

"I wasn't planning to, no."

A weird looked filled his eyes for a millisecond before it was whisked away.

"Okay then," his voice shook a bit.

"I'll see you around."

"Sure," I said, waiting for him to leave.

"I mean it," he muttered, turning before heading towards the territory's exit.

I watched him walk away, a bit confused by his last words.

Did he mean he was going to stop avoiding me now?

My face warmed up at that but I shook my head, trying to get the thought of my mind.

"Don't get ahead of yourself."

He had been very clear that he didn't want to have anything to do with me.

I should stop finding silly reasons to hope for something different.

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atlanticcanada · 1 year ago

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Pay rent and starve or live in a tent and eat: More Haligonians living in tents

Every morning, Darrin Smith does the rounds to tent sites in Halifax, checking in on the people who live here.

He’s been volunteering to help the homeless for more than two decades, and says more people are living in tents than he’s ever seen before.

“There was no tents here in Grand Parade last summer, and as you can see we have nine here now,” he says. “And that’s only been within the last two weeks.”

Smith points to one of the tents, which he says was the first one set up here.

“This blue one here, he’s one that’s actually working every day,” he explains.

Smith says those forced to live in tents have all faced different circumstances, but many, he says, simply can’t afford the city’s high rental rates.

“There's five people that I know of right now that are living in tents and they work, but they don't enough money to make rent,” he says.

“So it's either pay rent or starve or live in a tent and eat.”

Charles Oickle and his partner Trinity Keddy says they’ve been living in a tent since October.

“They need to come in with a better solution of renting, and affordable housing for people,” says Oickle.

Keddy says they moved their tent to different locations throughout the city at least a dozen times, and eventually came to Grand Parade because they feel safer here.

“If you look at all the places we've been and the environment, this place is way better,” she explains, “there’s no trash, there’s Wi-Fi.” But, she notes, there aren’t any public washrooms nearby.

“Compared to last year, we're seeing more youth, we're seeing more seniors, and that’s heartbreaking,” says Max Chauvin, Halifax’s housing and homelessness director.

The city alone has given out 60 so-called “living rough kits” since April 1. The kits consist of a tent, a waterproof tarp, a seasonal sleeping bag, and an inflatable mattress.

According to the Affordable Housing Association of Nova Scotia, 930 people are considered actively homeless in Halifax right now.

Chauvin says the five municipal locations designated for tent-living are now considered full.

“Some of them even have more people than we originally envisioned, and then you’re still seeing people in Victoria Park, Grand Parade is new,” he says. “But there’s also people in a variety of other places, in all areas of the municipality.”

He says as soon as one person finds shelter another becomes homeless, and creating new affordable housing takes time.

“And I think we are seeing more people being homeless than we can create housing spaces, so that’s the challenge,” he explains.

“How do we create them faster? And how do we create them so they are accessible financially.”

Responsibility for addressing homelessness falls under the province’s Department of Community Services.

In an email, a spokesperson for the department, Leanne Strathdee-Dowling, says creating more housing is a “critical piece of the work underway, to provide more appropriate housing solutions to individuals experiencing homelessness.”

The email cites 347 new supportive housing units created in the past year, along with $8.2 million set aside in the provincial budget to “improve homelessness services and increase supportive housing options.”

“In partnership with HRM, we have recently increased outreach support to people living in encampments to better coordinate services and connect individuals to housing support,” writes Strathdee-Dowling.

In the meantime, Smith says the province should be doing more to help people afford a place to live.

“I get frustrated, very frustrated,” he says, “I would like to see the government do something about the rent,” he says, “(if) affordable rent is $750 a month, then why is it people on social services only get $650 for rent?”

As for what keeps him going while doing his work, Smith states simply, “caring.”

For the latest Nova Scotia news, visit our dedicated provincial page.

from CTV News - Atlantic https://ift.tt/wavEAFj

#new brunswick #prince edward island #nova scotia #news #politics #canada #CTVAtlantic

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steveskafte · 2 years ago

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CREATOR'S LITTLE SECRET I'm not well-educated in the traditional sense. I failed so often at Math and Science that I can't separate the right answers from the wrong ones in my mind. The correct solution was just the last one I learned to finally pass. The only subject I came close to acing was English. Something about the history of words, their construction and spelling, the way they could be formed into virtually any expression – it was some kind of heartfelt magic. When I'm writing, it's like the words float through space around me, and I pluck them one by one for the page. My overall mastery of language is fairly limited. I use few words over four syllables, and don't have much taste for making my audience read with a dictionary on tap. I think of myself like a folk artist, doing working-class writing that doesn't sound any different from the way I talk face-to-face. Just because they're immersed in the technical process, a lot of artists fall for the trap of thinking that their audience should know it all too. I don't mind telling you how the sausage is made, so to speak, but I suspect it won't improve your enjoyment of the final product. When I hear a song I love, that doesn't mean I need a lesson on how to play it. Who cares what lens the photographer used, and why are writers always droning on about writing? Maybe this is just me, coming from a long line of blue-collar non-artists, but some things are better not knowing. Behind-the-scenes lessons are fine for teachers, but I think artists are better suited for spending their time making more art. I think of it like this – maybe you love your life and love your parents, but that doesn't mean you want a play-by-play of your conception. The real backstory worth telling is hidden in the reasons. The important aspect of understanding art is not in the chords, notes, techniques, or craft – but in asking why a bridge was built from the emotion and experience to anywhere at all. The knots and tangles between the two can be infinitely picked at, when all that matters is inspiration and the final product. The rest is best kept as the creator's little secret. So many people feel this weird thrill from digging through a vast and mythologized creative process – as if we have no confidence that the artist's passion and our love of their art is enough. Discussing the process can't make us love deeper, or build it up from scratch. If I reach you, it's like falling in love. If I don't, let's both move on and keep looking. May 22, 2023 Annapolis County, Nova Scotia Year 16, Day 5671 of my daily journal.

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whythewords · 2 years ago

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Grinding for life EXP

I mentioned something in the last post about how I jump on here and complain when things are bad but occasionally celebrate the wins. Well, I got a fucking job! Decent-sized win there.

It's only been two weeks at it, just starting my third but it's going well. I'm feeling good about things so far. It's another step in the master plan, "the big reset" as I have been wont to call it. Did get a bit of a gut punch after looking at house prices in the area and realizing I had zero chance of affording anything, even on the pretty decent salary I was able to snag as someone new to this line of work....but I did my best to shake it off and resume the plan.

I'm gonna put in a year at this new gig, see where I'm at, see if there's any opportunity for growth. I'm going to check back in with the housing market, will it have gotten better or worse? Can I stay here and still attain the ultimate goal of reclaiming my independence after what has already been over a two year slog that somehow simultaneously felt like an eternity and the blink of an eye? And if the answer is no, we move to Plan B...

At some other point in this journal over the last couple of years I've made mention of the idea of moving out east, something I have romanticized for a little while. I've since wavered a little bit on my absolute commitment to that plan, citing the profoundly sad side-effect of being hundreds of miles away from my family and many of my friends...but the way things are now, it almost seems as if I'd need to do that out of necessity...

Nova Scotia has been calling to me for a while. I have great memories of visiting there as a kid in 2000 on a big road trip with my folks, but the real eastern bug bit me when I visited much later as an adult, visiting a friend who had moved out there. Something just felt right. The following year I was there again and just appreciated the slow pace of living even more. As it stands now, housing prices are a lot more reasonable out there...but naturally that could change in a year. In fact, this whole deal has several factors that need to be taken into account: I would be leaving my family and most of my friends, I would need to secure a job out there, things could be very different there in a year in terms of real estate and cost of living. But is it a bad plan? No, not at all. And the idea of ACTUALLY resetting and finding my place in an entirely new locale is once again equal parts scary and very exciting.

But what about sticking around? Is it doable? Perhaps on two incomes. Meaning I would have to find someone my age (many of which I'm finding are already living on their own) and somehow translate that situation into a long-term "let's live together" thing. That would kill off the whole part of the dream where I finally experience what it's like to live TRULY on my own. Not with a roommate, not with a partner, just me. Is it unrealistic to want to do that first? Kinda seems like it is in this economy, and hey guess what? I fucking hate that. I should be able to live that dream. In fact that SHOULDN'T BE a dream. It should just be a normal, societal thing that is easy to do if you have a decent job and a good head on your shoulders. but alas, it seems the last time anyone my age was able to afford to buy a place of their own, was....when I bought half of a place of my own...with my ex-wife. Fuck man.

But let me claw out of this depressing bullshit and back into the "win celebrating" part of this reflection. I AM through a lot of the tough stuff. I did feel myself slipping back into a lonely oblivion for a second there and the online dating thing is seemingly back to a place where it provides a somewhat healthy distraction from that. It is still a LITTLE bit exhausting though. I got to a point with it where, as per usual, I'm ready to call it quits again for a while. So, as always, I figured I'd try one last blitz where I actually USE the apps for a few weeks and fire off messages and likes and whatever other bullshit is available to me, just to play the numbers game and see what sticks. Actually got a couple of matches, started some conversations, they're attractive, they seem cool...the conversations could fizzle out and die at any moment like they often do....ya know, the usual! I think the important part is being prepare for it and being okay with it. Part of me obviously gets bummed out, but another part of me thinks "I dodged the bullet of having to tell these women I live with my parents, and THEN getting the rejection after that. I did drop the ex bomb on one of them already, so she knows I was previously married and it hasn't scared her away...yet.

That's the other thing man, I never know what the conduct is. Should I just put it in my fucking profile that I'm divorced and living with my folks? It shouldn't be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, it may not even be if they actually took the time to get to know me and understand why and how I got to this place...but it IS. It IS a dealbreaker for a lot of folks. And I just want to get the information out before even asking them on a date because I'd feel guilty about blindsiding them with that info...but should I feel guilty about that? I dunno. Each time I do a run of a few months on these apps I feel like I inch even closer to the acceptance that I just ought not bother even trying until I'm living on my own again. Yet another school of thought on this whole situation, and who's to say whether or not its right?

I do know one thing: Loneliness and hurt is a motherfucker. But it does fade. I am still fighting. The desperation demon does still poke at me every so often and has to catch these damn hands. But despite all this, I am levelling. I mean like...like balanced. Like levelling off, not levelling up....

Wait....

Yeah, you know what? Fuck it.

I'n levelling up.

Like a fucking video game character, I am levelling up. And once I've gathered enough EXPERIENCE points...I'll be stronger than ever.

I'll get there. It's like any game. It takes time to get good.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

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peter-pantomime · 2 years ago

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Stranger Things Fic Recs, Part 3

Part 2 (Steddie and various polyamories), Part 1 (Jonanceve)

Steve/Eddie

let it roll into the night

Steve hates the spring. Spring means allergies and rain jackets. Spring means he tracks mud into his car, means he's waiting for warmer days. Spring means it's not quite summer. The only bright side right now, in this particular spring of 1988, is Eddie. (It takes one year for Steve to fall in love.)

make me aware of being alive

“So, I’ve found God,” Eddie announced. It was more than a little inaccurate, but he didn’t know how else to bring up the subject. “Oh yeah,” Jonathan prompted. “Where?” Eddie chuckled. “Nah, man, I mean. I want to be more, like, observant, maybe,” he hedged. Jonathan raised his eyebrows, playful rather than mocking. “Look at you, ba’al teshuva.” Or: After the end of the world, Eddie starts building his Jewish home, and finds the people he wants to build it with

like a heartbeat drives you mad

Steve doesn’t have any tattoos. If he’s honest, he never really thought about getting one before. At least not before he knew Eddie.

ain't it exciting you?

Three days after saving the world, Eddie moves his black bandana to the other pocket.

all the missing girls are hanging out without us

“Here is a riddle: the answer is one.” Eddie Munson lives, and dies, and lives again.

light my way

Eddie doesn’t like showing it when he’s scared. Wayne always knows, though. He knew every time Eddie appeared on his doorstep with no warning, small and trembling with a dirty, oversized backpack packed with snacks and worn stuffed animals. He knew when Eddie was taller, a little bit too skinny and too tough for his age, when his dad finally ended up in prison and the government finally let Wayne's kid be his kid. He knew when Eddie was in middle school, friendless and angry and paranoid, when Wayne stumbled upon a stash of porno mags while he was looking for drugs.XSo he knows now. {in which Wayne doesn't meet Steve until quite a while after he and Eddie start dating}

brutalist masterpieces

He turns, scooping up his sneakers as he goes, and climbs back over the rocks. Fifteen feet between them now, and their eyes meet. Steve’s got a paper bag of groceries under one arm, balanced on his hip like a sassy single mom, and he doesn’t drop them but he pales, looks like he wants to. Eddie sees his shoulders stiffen and he asks, hoarse, “Who died?” “You did,” Eddie tells him. Ten years on, in a town in Nova Scotia, on the edge of the Atlantic, Eddie finds Steve again, and also maybe himself.

Transfiguration's gonna come for me at last

“So, like, what’s up with your mailbox?” Trust Steve Harrington to waltz into your house, sprawl out on your armchair, and hit you with a whammy like that. Eddie pauses, midway through locking the door behind them. “What?” “Your.” Steve fumbles. He gestures to nothing, lips pursed. “Y’know, the thing on the wall outside. You always touch it when you walk by. I thought it was maybe, like, a tiny mailbox? But now that I’m saying it out loud, that sounds… really stupid.” (or, Eddie Munson and Judaism.)

thirty days

"Okay, you should probably leave.” Eddie says quietly, hand slipping underneath the blanket. His other hand reaches for the remote and he pauses the movie. “Why?” "Cause I’m going to jerk off.” Steve's mouth is dry. His body is heavy. “I don’t want to go.” “Fine." Eddie leans his head back against the wall, reveals the column of his throat. "Stay.” (Robin and Steve make a bet. Eddie is... unhelpful.)

Heavy Metal

Eddie’s gaze turns from limpid, innocent curiosity to something wolfish, gears turning in his head, “What if it was the other way around?” Steve blinks at him, stupefied, “What?” Eddie shifts his weight so he can bring his hand up, thumb stroking over Steve’s nipple through the soft cotton of his shirt. He’s wearing his blue and white polo, the stripe around his chest showing off the swell of his pecs. Eddie licks his lips, “If it was hot doing it, what if you were the one receiving?”

Lick It Up

Eddie lay flat where he was and took a drag. The tip was still wet where it had been in Steve’s mouth. Eddie felt like his body was sinking into something soft and comfortable, his limbs heavy, his head fuzzy. “We’re still not watching Crocodile Dundee,” he said, to the ceiling.

Blooms of the Darkest Garden

Steve is going to die. And because this is Hawkins, a town with an alternate dimension right up its asscrack, he isn't going to die in a normal way. No, instead he's going to die because he can't stop coughing up the most disgusting combination of Upside Down gunk and...flower petals? What the fuck is happening to him?

Play it Right

As much as he loves to play the cynic, Eddie has to admit that everything does mostly turn out okay, in the end.

Up the Punks

“What the fuck just happened there?” “I could ask you the same thing, Harrington,” Eddie hisses, jabs a finger into Steve’s chest. “Did you honestly bring me along as your plus one? To a date? With a guy who really thinks the Sex Pistols were on to something?” “What,” a date? Plus one? Steve doesn’t even know where to start. “What is a sex pistol?” “What,” Eddie says, parroting Steve’s confused tone back at him in a way that sounds unfairly boneheaded, “am I doing here, Steve?” (Or: Steve has good intentions, but does not realize that punks and metalheads are natural enemies)

the boys of summer

“Steve,” Wayne echoes. “This is my home. Eddie’s my boy.” And then he ruffles his hair with one large hand, coarse from years of working with them, in an action that reminds Steve of Hopper. “I’m gonna go down there and get my boy back. You’re gonna be my tour guide.” He holds his hand out for the final gun Steve has stashed, which he gives over reluctantly. He finds Wayne remarkably difficult to argue with—wonders if Eddie found the same. “Tour guides don’t need guns. You point at somethin’, I shoot it. Got it, Steve?” (Steve knows Eddie’s alive. Wayne’s the only one who believes him. So they team up to save him.)

Americana's Crusade

The third day in a row he sees expletives graffitied over an image of his own face—the post office bulletin board, this time, and there’s another errand Uncle Wayne won’t want him running anymore—Eddie waltzes into the Family Video and sprawls his whole torso across the counter. “I’ve decided I’m gonna live to a hundred,” he proclaims. “Why?” Robin asks, at the same time Steve says “How?” and Eddie grins, showing all his teeth. He’s taken to checking his brakes haven’t been cut every time he starts the van. “Pure spite, baby. They wanna kill me, they’ve gotta get through me first.”

Rock of Ages

"Eddie's having a love affair with my stereo." "Don't make it sound so tawdry, Harrington. We're well on our way to a committed relationship." "Oh yeah? How's your guitar feel about that?" Eddie gasps in outrage. "Don't bring her into this."

#stranger things #stranger things fic recs #steddie #steddie fic recs #steve harrington #eddie munson #myficrecs

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